Teacher’s Enemy V3

*After about six months I logged into my old crappy Anak ng Tokwa turned into Unfinished Rhapsody that now peacefully rots, dead as a cadaver, everything removed, just leaving a single page saying I’m moved here in another blog for good. I just tried to reread some of things I wrote there over the years then found this certain blog post. Natawa lang ako. Natawa ako sa pagiging satirical and sarcastic ng pagsusulat ko noon and perhaps till now occasionally, so I decided to share this: ūüėÄ

Pasalamat ka mas nauna kang pinanganak kesa sa akin.¬†Tandang tanda ko pa ang sinulat ko noon sa notebook kong nagkalasug-lasog dahil sa dami ng pa-assignment sa amin ng teacher ko nung Grade Five. Masakit siya magsalita at minumura ko siya ng talikuran noon. Ganoon din ang teacher ko nung Grade Four. Mandurugas daw ako ng exams dahil natataasan ko ang top one nilang paborito na anak ng makapangyarihan. Masama ang tingin nila sa akin. Porke’t mukha lang akong engot, uhugin, nobody-else kid at parang mushroom lang akong sumulpot sa klase nila. Matagal ko nang balak pasabugin ang mga bungo nila pero hindi lang ako makaipon ng tamang kumpyansa sa sarili at masyado pa akong musmos noon. Hindi naman ako pasaway na student. In fact, kasama pa nga ako sa honor roll during elementary days pero siguro I was not a student-pet type of person. Teacher’s enemy V3. Patayin sa amoy ng anghit ang mga teachers na mukhang pwet. Buhusan ng kumukulong mantikang may asido ang mga teachers na nagpapahirap sa mga helpless na mga estudyanteng gusto lamang matuto ngunit binabalahura ng mga nagrurunung-runungan na hindi naman alam ang tamang pronunciation ng¬†tourniquet.¬†Iyan ang prinsipyo ko noon. Unexpectedly, may mga natutunan din ako sa kanila na hindi kayang ituro ng kung sino man.

Sample:

Mrs. Character.¬†Hobby niya ang pagpatansik ng nakakadiring laway na may kasamang tinga ng malunggay habang nagsesermon. “Ibabagsak ko kayo sa karakter!” Yan ang famous line niya. Mainit ang dugo niya sa akin nang hindi ko alam kung bakit. Magpapass ako ng test paper at makikita niya ang score ko at mare-realize na ako pala ang highest, tataas ang boses niya sa akin, “Bakit ngayon mo lang ‘to pinass?! Kanina pa ako nagtatanong kung sino pa magpa-pass?!” Sa pagkakaalam ko hindi naman siya nagtatanong. Minsan naman pinagbintangan niya akong nandaraya sa exams dahil ako ang pinakamataas. Kasalanan ko bang mabisa ang intuitive skills ko?¬†Lesson learned: Magmali ka ng konti sa exam para hindi ka pagbintangan na cheater.

Mrs. Oso.¬†Siya ang nawawalang kapatid ni Mother Bear na nagpapanggap na human being dahil hindi niya matanggap na oso lamang siya. Pero kitang kita sa kanyang physical features ang pagiging bear niya. Bilog ang mukha. Bilog ang pisngi. Hindi isang cute and cuddly bear kundi isang nakakasindak at nakakasulasok na osong laging nakahandang manakmal ng tulad kong alipin lamang ng pagkakataon at kawalan ng kakayahan. Pinagpagproject niya kami ng Christmas Tree at nang hindi kami makapagpakita ng kahit ano ay binugbog niya kami ng nakakainspire niyang mga words like, “Mga tamad! Walang mga alam! Walang kwenta! Gago!” Ako ang pinakanasaktan noon. Ako kasi ang lider kuno sa grupo at hindi naman ako rich kid para magprovide ng gusto niya. Wala naman gustong magkawang-gawa para mag-ambag ng pambili ng gintong Christmas Tree. Tae niya.¬†Lesson learned: Mas mabaho ang tae ng oso kaysa tao.

Mr. Nakakatawa-daw-siya. Masakit siya magjoke at pinapakita ko talaga sa pamamagitan ng aking facial expression ang pagkabadtrip ko sa mga pinagsasasabi niya. At alam kong badtrip din siya sa akin. The feeling is mutual pero malas ko dahil nauna siya pinanganak kaysa sa akin. He emphasized na hindi na raw ako mananatili sa section one next school year. Siguro dahil nabobohan siya sa akin. Accepted dahil moronic naman talaga ako pero mali ang haka-haka niya dahil grumaduate ako section one pa rin. Lesson learned: Kung sa tingin mo ikaw na pinakabobo sa sangkalupaan ng mga bobo, marami pang mas bobo sayo. Maaaring isa na dyan ang teacher mo.

Ms. Mababa-ang-grade-mo-dahil-hindi-kita-favorite. Natural hindi na naman ako favorite kaya malas ko lang. Kahit sinasabi na ng buong mundo na ang galing mo pero laos ka pa rin paningin niya. Kahit kabisadong-kabisado mo yung speech mo, 85 ka lang dapat. At yung hindi kabisado at nagstammer pa, 89 dapat. Ganyan talaga ang buhay, tyambahan ang grades. Lesson learned: Doing your best is not enough, but do what is required. In tagalog, gawin mo man ang lahat ay hindi pa rin sapat kung teacher mo ay may sayad.

Mr. Cockroach. Hindi naman sa tanga siya pero nakakawalang gana lang ang boses niyang kasing lakas ng utot ng ipis. Narinig mo na ba ang utot ng ipis? Malamang hindi pa. Aaminin ko na nagkasakit ako ng otitis media when I was young pero curable naman ito at mababa naman ang probability na maging sanhi ito ng deafness kaya may kakayahan pa naman akong makarinig. Matalino siya pero aanhin ko rin ang mahusay na guro kung wala naman ako maintindihan sa tinuturo niya. Habang nagsasagot ng mga pamatay niyang quizzes at exams, pinaplano ko na ang epektibong paraan ng pagpuksa ng mga ipis, kabilang na siya. Hindi ko maiwasang mapatingin sa kanya habang nagsasagot ng sobrang nakakaubos-lakas na exam na pinagpaguran niya ng isang dekada, at nag-iinit ang frontal lobe ko sa pagmumukha niya na tila tuwang tuwa sa pagbasak ko. Oo, 2.5 lang ang grade ko noon at masama ang loob ko. Lesson learned: May mga ipis na hindi mapatay-patay kahit ilang hampas na ng tsinelas na Havaianas.

Mr. Maghintay-ka-sa-labas.¬†In-add ko siya sa Friendster; wala pa kasing Facebook noon. Ang daming nakasulat sa profile niya na iisa lang naman ang gustong iparating: isa daw siyang mabuting tao. Maniniwala na sana ako pero noong puntahan ko siya sa office niya dahil in-incomplete niya ako dahil wala daw ako pinasang project (na meron naman) at wala daw siyang pakialam sa anumang rason ko kung bakit nawala ang project ko, ay ito lang ang nasabi niya noong nasa loob ako ng office niya, “Maghintay ka sa labas.” Naghintay naman ako na parang tanga lang. Parang utang na loob ko pa ang 88 na binigay niya sa akin at utang na loob ko pa rin ang oras na ginugol niya nang kausapin ako. Buti na lang laos na ang Friendster.¬†Lesson learned: Napakadaling sabihin na mabuti kang tao pero mahirap patunayan ito. (Kaya ngayon pa lang sinasabi ko na sa inyo, hindi ako mabuting tao.)

Mrs. Kilay.¬†Teacher nga siya pero wag magtatangkang magtanong sa kanya. Ayon sa kanyang paniniwala, wala sa job description ng isang guro ang magturo sa kanyang mga students. Pagmasdan lang sila, pagtaasan ng kilay kapag nagkamali at barahin ang sa tingin niya’y kabobohan. Kung ganoon naman pala, sana hindi na lang nilikha ang mga guro. Sa palagay ko, matututo ka kahit walang gurong kasing kapal ang kilay ng sulat ng¬†sign pen na G-tech Pilot 0.3.¬†Lesson learned: Masarap ipangsulat ang G-tech Pilot 0.3 dahil manipis lamang ang sulat nito; hindi aksado sa space at hindi nagtatae.

I miss school though during those days I was eager to leave my school crap behind. Naisip ko na lang ngayon, makilala pa kaya nila ako kapag nagkrus muli ang aming landas. Makilala kaya nila ang batang tatanga-tanga na sumasakay lang sa mga power trip nila? Marahil hindi na. Marami na rin kasing nagbago. Lumipas na rin ang galit ko sa kanila noon. Ang mga guro ay tao rin naman. Nagkakasala. Nangungulangot paminsan-minsan. Hindi rin naman ako ideal student para sa kanila pero masasabi kong naging dehado yata ang laban ko. Hindi man naging sulit ang tuition fee na binayad ko para sa kanila, okey na rin. They taught me still that most important lessons in life are not from textbooks instead from people. Most lesson learned: Educate yourself because nobody else will. We are responsible for our own education.

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Shade of Black

I can be nice in the same degree that I can be mean and I believe that people even though how good we thought they seem there’s still a forbidden side of them that has shade of black, and is always ready to burst anytime. But they rather suppress ’cause it is too perilous to handle. But now, let’s get loose and be human for just a while. It isn’t always easy to be saint when everyone surrounding you has horns and fangs to bite you hard.

For me, there are 9 kinds of people. 1. People you love and who love you. 2. People you love though they don’t have the chance to notice that you exist. 3. People you don’t give a damn if they love you nor hate you as well. 4. People you eventually forget after a short encounter. 5. People you admire but don’t like you. 6. People you don’t know they exist. 7. People they don’t know you exist. 8. People you hate and hate you. 9. People you hate (not necessarily hate you too) and just couldn’t help HATING them.

Talk about number 9. I was always trying so hard not to be pissed off when their poisonous viruses were starting to infect the fresh air. My self-control was challenged and I sometimes wanted to congratulate myself for job well done. But there were still minimum times that I ended up sharpening my knife for one desperate goal, to kill. Then I contemplated that stabbing to murder somebody wasn’t really good enough but I desire a more painful killing; and that is to perish with unbearable words worse than morbid death he/she can ever imagine. If you think you aren’t who I am talking about then you can continue.

The Narcissistic. Everyone can be guilty of this but the intensity varies. I am talking about the cold-blooded narcissistic. They have a fucking delusion that the whole universe is intended to please and worship them, that they breathe just to hear praises from others (fake or true they don’t know the difference) and they cannot accept honest criticisms. They claim that the stars and milky way ought to bow down and glorify them like goddamn gods. They are extremely in love with themselves, mesmerized with their own sucking charm and they look down on people (may step on people in order to be higher) as if other human beings are inferior form of living things. “Taena, ang talino ko, ang bobo mo. Syet, ang ganda ko/gwapo ko, mukha kang pwet ng manok. Punyeta, ang yaman ko, kainin mo ang tae kong ginto.” But in fact, they resemble pigs (shame on pigs). They have no shame posting their awful photographs in wherever and whenever possible, bragging about what they consider ‘brag-able’ (I know that isn’t a word but couldn’t find the precise term) It’s really okay to share our pictures, crappy or nice, speak our mind about it. I sometimes do that, but if it’s too much it could be nauseatingly unhealthful. Lousy pictures induce vomiting, what do you expect? Tolerable if they’re gorgeous but c’mon, their pictures are the evidences of their crime. (I am laughing now, pardon me) Okay, I may sound bias here but I just cannot breathe because of sudden suffocation due to stinking polluted air. (I am becoming too mean, I knew it before you realized) We are all beautiful in God’s eyes, believe it somehow, but beauty within captures the more essential thing than the eyes, the heart. Narcissistic is a type of personality disorder which needs a prescribed intervention and medication says Psychiatric Mental Health Nursing textbook by Videbeck. Pity on them. Sick lunatics.

Selfish sons of beaches. These sons-of-bitches¬†species are overpopulated in the entire ecosystem of ours. The good example is when your professor had announced an important exam tomorrow to one of your classmates who was responsible to re-announce it to everyone but was really smart enough to pass the message just right after he/she finished reviewing when each of his/her classmate had no chance to study at all. Thus, he/she eventually got the highest score and of course he/she would never ever make it that obvious. Brains with selfishness could land you to Cum Laude, I tell you, that’s a fact, I swear it to the gods of seashores. Students, what are you waiting for? Being a selfish genius is a key to be on top. Don’t lend your notes. Don’t remind your fellas about upcoming test and review furtively. Don’t share your knowledge, keep it for your own good. Make your father Lucifer proud of you.

Haliparot. I am very much impressed by how these hali-birds could flirt more than one person at a time. They tend to commit to shallow relationship ’cause in the first place they really have no idea what true relationship is. ‘Count my boyfriends/girlfriends till you drop’ and ‘Collect and collect and then select’ – those are their effin principles they apply on day-to-day basis. Okay, you might oppose: that’s their life, walang basagan ng trip. Oh yes, the hell I care about how many guys/girls they had sex with but just don’t ever try to screw up with me. I’ll tell you, from my WTF experience, a real pain in the ass to figure out that you were included in a hundred freaky girls whom he was saying I love you to. Boy, save your sordid saliva and sperm for worthier woman than me, like those sexy slut lurking beside you. You can ditch me anytime and I don’t know if I can ditch you too soon but please make sure that the girl is free from Human Immunodeficiency virus or just plain Syphilis.

Every word I’ve mentioned is entirely opinionated and we are all entitled for freedom of expression. But I strongly encourage you to put all your objections and oppositions on your own blog and never dare to ruin my page.

First blogged (a year ago, 2011) on Unfinished Rhapsody.