I met my first love when I used to wear bright green pants paired with cheap brown shoes and didn’t think I looked like a bamboo tree. I weighed only 45 kg and didn’t know how to choose good clothes which could flatter my rectangular and malnourished physique. That was 8 years ago. I was young and naive as pubescent gal who never touched anyone’s hand of opposite gender nor had any thought of being adored by any man. Looking back to that moment is like looking at my old photograph lurking in an antique box. I used to call myself ugly until I met him.
I lack precise words to fully express my emotion which consumed me when I first met him. Meeting him is like listening to a noise and it suddenly becomes a meaningful song. It’s like stumbling and then all of a sudden you feel like dancing and jumping in joy. It’s like starving and then you feel full without even eating. My words won’t be sufficient to describe it vividly because I believe it is something that can’t be put into words. Is there such thing as indescribable mirth? But then, it’s my most favorite story I can passionately tell to anyone, my first encounter with my first love.
I already heard a lot about him before we met. I came to know him through the words people say about him. He is famous. Everyone knows his name. I thought I knew him enough. I thought I knew him so well until I found out a shocking truth. He knew me all along. I figured out that he wrote me heartfelt love letters before I was born. It seemed surreal. How could someone as popular as him know so much about me? How could he know me so much without even meeting me?
I was in tears while reading his letters. I never thought that anyone could see me the way he saw me. He said I was beautiful when all I could see in the mirror was ugliness. He called me worthy when the world made me feel unappreciated. He said he died for me when all I could think about was killing myself. He was the only one who chose me when nobody seemed to care. Knowing his unconditional love for me got me interested in knowing him more. Who was this man who claimed that he has loved me more than anyone else?
I wanted to see him. I longed to see his face. I was hungry for truth. Was his love real? Was he even real? He said in those letters, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” And he was right. I found him. I found him when I sought him with all my heart.
You may not believe it but I first met him through a song. He showed his face to me when I closed my eyes and sang. And when I stopped singing and listened to the music, I heard his beautiful voice singing to me. I saw his heart through every word of the lyrics. He was alive in each musical note. He held my hand and danced gracefully with me through every strum of guitar and beat of drum. You could think that I was crazy singing with eyes shut and dancing erratically with hands lifted up. You might think I was losing my mind when you saw me in such weird state but if you could only see my heart, it was melting, beating wildly with euphoria. When the music stopped, everything went back to what it was used to be except my heart. It will never be the same again.
He loved me first before I learned what real love was. I can always boast about his love for me but I know I can’t love the way he does. To be honest, he wasn’t my first love. My first love was myself but when I felt the warmth of his presence, I didn’t want to feel cold again. I don’t want to let go of his embrace. I don’t want to walk blindly away from his light anymore. However, I know, my love for him is so small compared to the love he always has for me, but I believe his love and grace are always enough for both of us.
Below is one of the letters he wrote for me, and for those who choose him,
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.” John 15:9 NIV
His name is Jesus and I will always remain in His love for eternity.