Some people know my life story but nobody knows a bizarre history of me narrated by my own awkward inner voice. Sometimes I felt it was just part of my nightmares I deluded myself into thinking this was true. Sometimes I thought this was real because as highly sensitive person my intuition seldom failed me. If you want to hear my alternate history, read on.
I was the fifth and youngest child of my hardworking parents. They say youngest is the most favorite and most spoiled but I vary in opinion. We weren’t well-off so it’s understandable that raising five children was problematic. My one and only brother spoke to me, “We thought you were a boy. I would have named you Bernie if you were.” My brother wanted a boy sibling he could relate to him in many ways and here I was, yelling at him with so much disgust. My existence was an inconvenience. My family would have experienced a more comfortable life without having me because feeding an extra mouth hindered them to partake adequately. My assumption was my parents’ hope to have another boy led them to conceive me and only to perpetually have another boring female with grown up body similar to a male. Perhaps I was mistaken but whatever the reason might be, I was still an unwanted offspring.
I didn’t want going to school when I was in early grade school because no one wanted to converse with a quiet and reserved child. When I moved to another school and excelled in class I gained some friends, however, I was despised by my teachers. I was accused of cheating exams by my elementary teachers but I was too innocent to even consider failing an exam a horrible scenario. I heard gossips describing me as an imbecile. I was my worst critic and to hear someone criticized me like how I condemned myself eradicated all my doubts that I was a stupid person.
I won medals in essay writing contests competing with students in all levels in high school but when I went home and enthusiastically flaunted the fake gold coin shaped thing in my hand, nobody glimpsed at it. I then understood that speaking was incomparable with writing. Articulate people were given recognition whereas those who were not capable of speaking eloquently but could only write effectively were unnoticed or worst looked down upon. I was not well-spoken but I wrote passionately and it did not make me less moron. I was after all a dumb. I did not graduate with flying colors.
No wonder I was not the favorite but disliked. I grew up with bad temper and unpleasant traits no one, even myself would ever like.
Are we great historians of ourselves?
Not everyone writes their life story the same way I did. However, to those who have written their alternate history as though they were the ultimate villain, let’s ask ourselves, are we great historians of ourselves or an unfair storyteller? If I saw strangers treated people how I treat myself, I wouldn’t hesitate to call it cruelty. Our reality can be distorted and in order to check the truth we must see another person’s perception of us. We must check the reality against another’s and there is no other person more reliable than the one who created us.
Real History of Me By My Maker
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalms 139:13-16
But You are He who took me out of the womb; You made me trust while on my mother’s breasts. I was cast upon You from birth. From my mother’s womb You have been my God. Psalms 22:9-10
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. My enemies will retreat when I call to you for help. This I know: God is on my side! Psalms 56:8-9
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil. My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
We Are Not Awful
The Word of God never fail to make me cry tears of joy. Some of us harshly criticize our own selves because in our early lives some people made us believe that those hurtful words were facts. We hate ourselves because we once felt unloved. We dislike ourselves because we once felt disliked. Therefore, the Lord made His Word available to us to remind His people that we are not awful and unwanted. We in fact are adored, set apart and dearly loved. His powerful and truthful Words outweigh the wounding lies we tell our inner selves. May we see how valuable we are in the eyes of God.
This post is inspired by this video:
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